Dumb Ways to Die
by The pH alchemist
Summary: The Avengers reinact the ways in this crack-filled fic. It had to be done. Rated for swearing and insinuated drug use.
1. Set Fire to Your Hair - Loki

**HI! It's the pH Alchemist with my first Avengers story. If you want another sample of my work, just head on down to the Beyonders section under books. **

**As you can probably guess, this story was inspired by the song 'Dumb Ways to Die'. In no way do I mean this to be sadistic, this is just supposed to be funny in a slap-stick sort of way. No gory deaths here, sorry, just honest to goodness crack and other fandom references. **

**And on that note, I begin my story. There will be one chapter for each 'dumb way to die' featuring one of the Avengers. For laziness reasons, I am including Loki as one of the Avengers because he is in some chapters and writing 'The Avengers and Loki' is super tiring (wow, that was very tiring, I'm glad I don't have to write that down every time!)**

**This is 'set fire to your hair' and it involves Loki. Take one. Aaaannd ACTION!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'Dumb Ways to Die', nor do I know who does. WILL THE PERSON WHO OWNS 'DUMB WAYS TO DIE' PLEASE STAND UP? Also, I don't own the Avengers or Doctor Who**

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The Fourth of July was fast approaching. Tony and Bruce were holed up in their lab (honestly, when are they not?) working on some new high-tech fireworks.

"If we just mix the powder in the big ones with the powder in the whistle-ey ones, we can have a firework that is big and whistles!" Tony said enthusiastically as he mixed the two, strictly against Bruce's orders.

Loki was in the living room marathoning Doctor Who, after Tony, Bruce, and Clint literally tied him to the sofa and forced him to start watching it. The show was beginning to grow on him...

But before he could finish that thought, Tony and Bruce bounded across the room to his spot.

"Hey Lokes!" Tony said. "Ooo, you're on 'The Shakespeare Code'? Love that one."

"'Girl in the Fireplace' is better." Loki said, not missing a beat.

"Just wait until 'Blink'" Bruce muttered.

"Anyways, we need your assistance." Tony said.

Loki raised an eyebrow. "For what?"

"We're making our own fireworks and were wondering if you could help, and by help I mean magically altering the chemical formula to make them the mother of all fireworks."

Loki sighed. "I will help, however, I can't do much whilst bound to the sofa."

After that was sorted, Tony and Bruce escorted Loki to the lab.

"Ok, we just need to mix this one and this one." Tony explained, pointing to the two canisters that were open on the lab bench.

Loki nodded and approached the canisters.

"Should we...I don't know..._step back_ or something?" Bruce asked.

"I'm the God of Fire." Loki deadpanned, and raised his hands.

An hour later, Tony was still hearing a ringing noise and Bruce was rubbing black powder off his glasses.

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**And so, there you have it. These probably won't be super long, just enough to get the point across.**

**Hope you guys loved it.**

**Dalek says: "Review! Review! REVIEW!"**


	2. Poke a Stick at a Grizzly Bear - Thor

**Another chapter. Enjoy!**

**Thanks to all that followed/favorited/reviewed, it means a lot!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the Avengers or any other fandom references I make**

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The last battle left the Avengers pretty beat up, so Agent Coulson suggested they go on a camping trip.

"I love camping!" Steve squealed like a fangirl.

"I'll only go if I can bring JARVIS." Tony said.

That deal was struck, and now the Avengers found themselves lost in the woods.

"Does anyone know where we are?" Steve asked.

"We would if Thor hadn't lost the map." Clint muttered.

"Friends, I am truely sorry, but you got to believe me when I say that park recreation man said he needed it and I obliged."

_flashback_

Thor was walking, trying to scout ahead, when a man in a trench coat and a young blonde female approached him.

"Hello my good man, name's John Smith and this is Rose Tyler, I'm with parks and recreation," as he said this, he pulled out a wallet with a piece of paper in it that confirmed his previous statement, "and we need that map, there's been a recall in this area."

"Of course" Thor said, handing the map to the officer.

"Thanks for the trouble!" the man said happily and bounded off with the female in tow.

_end flashback_

"Yeah, sure, I think you were swindled." Tony retorted.

"Let's just focus on finding the campsite." Bruce said. "It cant be too far."

They walked for three more hours.

"Ok, thats it, I'm setting up camp here." Natasha said and threw down her stuff. The team didnt realize the 'bear country' sign that had been caught in the overgrowth.

The avengers were cooking dinner when the bear jumped out of the bushes.

"A WILD BEAR APPEARS!" Tony shouted as Bruce started singing the Pokemon battle song. "TONY SENDS OUT THOR!" Tony shoved thor in front of the bear.

"Fear not, for I shall handle this!" Thor said as he picked up a branch and charged the bear. The team turned away as the bear brought its paw down.

"...that's funny," Loki remarked. "that usually works so well on Bilgesnipe"

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**...Yep, that's how it went down. Lovely cameo by Rose and the Doctor. *Applause***

**Once again, reviews are always welcome!**


	3. Eat Medicine That's Out of Date-Natasha

**Sorry this one is short, most of them will be like this. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song, nor do I own the Avengers and any other fandom references I make.**

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Natasha flopped down on the couch in the living room of Stark Tower, exhausted from the previous battle. She had taken out most of the aliens this time because the guys had to argue about which creature from Star Wars these aliens looked like (she thought they finally decided on Talz, but she wasn't sure...).

Anyways, she was sore and pissed, and one does not simply cross a sore and pissed Natasha. Realizing she needed to do something, she wandered down into Tony and Bruce's lab. Said owners of lab ran screaming like Miguel and Tulio from the animated jaguar statue when JARVIS informed them of the approaching assassin.

Entering the lab, and pleased to find it empty, Natasha scrambled over to a cabinet and threw it open, looking for pain pills. Finally, after emptying five cabinets, she found a bottle of ibuprofen and downed a pill.

Natasha scrunched her nose as a bitter taste filled her mouth. The pill bottle was still in her hand, and out of curiosity, she brought it up to read the label.

_blah blah blah, ibuprofen, blah blah blah, take one every 8 hours, blah blah blah, -_

the date read 3-5-11..._today was 10-17-12_

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**Reviews everyone!**

**Also, I was thinking about doing an 'epilogue' in which I tell how the Avengers survived all their encounters with death. I've been working on it, and it doesn't seem like it will be as funny, but the customer is always right (unless you work in tech support), so it's up to you guys, yes you, whether or not I do this.**


	4. Private Parts as Bait - Steve

**Thanks to all those who reviewed/favorited/followed!**

**Just a quick note on this one. I got the idea from the episode "Silence in the Library" from Doctor Who. It is taken heavily from that. You don't need to have seen the episode to get it, or even the TV series, I explain it pretty well. As you've probably guessed, I've stretched this one a bit.**

**To Lokilovesnutella: here it is, probably the biggest Doctor Who reference in the entire series**

**For plot purposes, no one has watched Doctor Who, Loki just recognizes the alien species. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song, the Avengers, "Silence in the Library", or the crazy muttering program from TRON:Legacy (you know who I'm talking about) kudos to those who catch the Vacation reference**

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"Tony, are you sure we're in the right place?" Pepper asked.

"Um, yeah, I'm sure." Tony said, completely not sure.

"Tony can we at least get out of the car, I'm tired of Thor singing '99 bottles of Asgardian Ale on the wall' non-stop" Steve said.

"Ok, ok, dont get your spandex in a jam." Tony muttered and unlocked the doors.

All seven Avengers plus Pepper poured out of the SUV like a clown car, gasping for breath and kissing the sweet ground.

"...Tony, are you sure this is Wally World?" Natasha asked, somewhat skeptic.

"...Ok I have no idea where we are." Tony admitted.

"Let's just go inside ok?" Bruce said, stepping up to take the leadership role.

They walked in to a large empty room, occupied by only one circular reception desk.

"Where is everyone?" Clint asked.

"It kind of looks like...a library." Loki observed.

Suddenly, that crazy muttering program from Tron:Legacy came running up to Tony and grabbed him like he's the answer to life (though Tony wold probably say he _is_ the answer to life)

"Count the shadows!" The program shouted and shook Tony "They are coming!" He shoved Tony away shouting "erase me!" before jumping out a window.

"...Ok, lets just go find someone." Pepper suggested and started to walk off down the corridor.

They arrived in this massive room full of nothing but books.

"Brother, you were right, it _is_ a library" Thor said.

"Tony, what are we doing at a library, I was expecting a water park" Clint whined.

Suddenly, there was a skittering noise.

"What was that?" Bruce asked, turning around.

"I dont-"

"Shhh, I heard it again" Bruce said, cutting off Natasha.

"Things usually have only one shadow, right?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, why?" Tony asked.

"That crazy guy told us to count the shadows...and that chair has _two._" The group spun around and faced the chair in question. Sure enough, it had two shadows.

Natasha started humming the 'Twilight Zone' theme.

"I wonder what's-"

"Stop!" Loki shouted, putting his had out and stopping Clint from advancing. "Watch" as he said that, a ray of sun caught the area above the shadow, a swirl of particles becoming visible. "Those are the Vashta Nerada, the piranhas of the air. They will strip the flesh from your bones in seconds." Suddenly, the shadow grew bigger, advancing for the team.

"RUN!" Tony shouted and ran for the door. The group followed, the shadows chasing them.

Steve made a wrong turn, and the team was led down a dead end.

"Now what?" Bruce asked, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Look, a door!" Clint said and the group ran for it.

"It's locked!" Thor said, having reached it first.

Natasha observed the lock. "I could pick that in 20 seconds."

"We dont have that." Pepper said. "Look!" The shadow was advancing.

"We need a diversion." Loki said.

"I volunteer Tony." Bruce said.

"No, have Cap do it, he led us down here." Tony whined.

Steve sighed. "Ok, but hurry. What do i do?"

"Try to get their attention." Clint suggested.

Natasha got to work, and so did Steve.

"Hey, space piranha things!" Steve said. "You dont want to eat us." Steve gulped as the shadows advanced.

"I need more time steve." Natasha said.

Steve inhaled, and started to sway his hips proactively. "Come and get it!" he shouted.

Natasha burst open the door just as a shredding sound was heard.

"...That looked like it hurt." Tony said.

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**This was a long one. Hope you liked it!**


	5. Get Toast Out With a Fork - Thor

**Next chapter, coming at ya!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the Avengers**

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It was your typical day at Stark Tower. The sun was shining, the birds were singing...and Thor was eating pop tarts. Thor had insisted on an entire cabinet dedicated to his pastries, and was currently shuffling through it to find the flavor he wanted.

"I HAVE FOUND IT!" Thor shouted and pulled a box out. "BLUEBERRY!" Thor ripped open the box and pulled a package out.

"Point Break, glad you're up." Tony said as he walked into the kitchen. "You eat those _raw_?" Tony asked as he noticed the pop tarts. "No, you gotta toast these. Here, I'll show you." Tony grabbed the pop tart from Thor's hand and shoved it in the toaster. After a minute, the toaster spit the pop tart out, now cooked and delicious. "See? Easy. Now enjoy!" Tony slapped Thor on the back and left him to take it all in.

He didn't realize that Tony had taken the pop tarts.

Could it be? Thor thought. Could that contraption make the pop tarts taste better?

He opened another pouch and put the pop tarts into the toaster. After a minute, just like with Tony, the pop tarts popped **(a/n: pun intended)** up again. Only this time, they were stuck. Thor, with his big fingers, couldn't get the pop tarts out.

"TONY!" He called, but Tony didn't respond. Looking around, Thor searched for something that might aid him, when he saw the fork on the counter.

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**...SO? HOW WAS IT?!  
Once again, I am reminding you that I might post an epilogue that contains 'what happened after' the end of each chapter, but only if you want to. So review, PM, whatever, and let me know. Thank you!**


	6. Do Electrical Work - Tony

**Disclaimer: ...do I really have to do this again? Fine. I don't own the song or the Avengers or any other references I make**

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Tony stepped back and admired his work.

"This will totally help me survive the apocalypse." Tony said with glee. He had built a shelter, fully stocked and with all the creature comforts, which for Tony included but were not limited to a pool, a hot tub, a sauna, a full bar, a home movie theatre, a wii, several computers, and JARVIS. And now, it was all wired up.

Tony clapped his hands and entered, bolting all 23 locks behind him. The room was dark except for the glow of the ARC in Tony's chest.

Suddenly, Tony's phone rang.

"This is Tony Stark," Tony said.

"Tony, I hope you read the directions on how to wire an apocalypse bunker." Pepper said.

"Relax, it's fine." Tony said, knowing full well he didn't read the directions "I'll light this puppy, and it will be a beacon of hope while zombies are taking over the world."

Pepper rolled her eyes

Tony walked over to the power switch and put his hand on it. However, Tony didn't read the directions and wired the entire house backwards.

"LET IT RIP!" Tony shouted, quoting beyblade, and flipped the switch.

In Stark Tower, Loki looked up from his book as the reading light flickered.

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**As always, review per favore!**


	7. Teach Yourself How to Fly - Clint

**Sorry this one's so short, I'll try to update twice today to make up for it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the team**

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All his life, Clint has dreamed of flying. Sometimes, on tall towers, he would think of spreading his arms and just falling off.

...But that would be stupid, he realized, he doesn't even know _how_ to fly yet. Since that epiphany, Clint spent hours at the zoo watching watching birds. He also cleared out an entire section of the library to further his research. Finally, after a week, he felt like he was ready.

He had made a replica of a red-tailed hawk's wings (he is hawkeye afterall) and attached them to his back. Standing on the veranda of Stark Tower, he went over everything he had learned in his head before leaping off...

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**...yeah this one wasn't as good, but reviews are still appreciated**


	8. Eat Un-Refridgerated Pie - Tony

**...unfortunately another short one. Nevertheless, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the team**

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Tony had been in the lab awhile. Actually, he didn't know how long he had been there. He was tired and smelly and finally decided to crawl from the slime known as his lab. He stumbled out of the elevator into the kitchen, hoping for some food before he crashed, when he saw something sitting on the counter in a white box.

Pastries! Tony thought, and lunged for the box, eating the contents without a thought.

"TONY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Pepper shouted as she ran into the kitchen.

"I'm hungry" Tony said between bites.

"That pie has been sitting there for at least two weeks! I was just coming in to throw it out!"

Tony's eyes widened as he keeled over onto the floor.

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**Review please**


	9. Invite a Psycho Killer Inside - Clint

**Disclaimer: All the usual stuff**

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The week before Halloween held no alien invasions, no baddies trying to wipe out the East Coast, so the Avengers decided to disban until after the holiday. Clint and Natasha were sitting in their small home in suburbia deciding on costumes.

"You should go as a duck." Natasha joked. "Or Big Bird."

"How about you go as Hannibal Lecter?" Clint retorted.

Natasha lit up. "That's a great idea! I'll add a hockey mask and fake blood for effects. And I'll carry a knife or a machete or-"

"Ok, ok, don't hurt yourself." Clint said. So it was decided that Clint would go as a ninja and Natasha a psycho killer.

_Flash Forward to Halloween_

"Mayday, mayday, we have a code red, repeat, code red." A security guard shouted into his walkie-talkie. "Prisoner Zero had just escaped."

_Roger that, what's he wearing?_ Another guard replied.

"He grabbed a hockey mask out of nowhere and dashed out with it. He could be anywhere on Halloween. He picked the perfect day to escape..."

_Flash to Clint's house_

Clint was filling a bowl with candy to hand out to the children that stopped by. Natasha had called and said she would be there soon.

The doorbell rang.

Clint opened it to find someone in a hockey mask. "Hey Nat, glad you could make it!" Clint said. The masked person didn't answer. "Look at this, this is such a great costume you have on."

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**Reviews would be fantastic**


	10. Scratch Dealer's New Ride - Bruce

**Finally, we get to some Bruce bashing! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: The works**

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Bruce looked over his shoulder as he turned down the alleyway.

"Bag of weed?" Tony had asked, and, well, he wasn't wrong per say...

There was a light at the end, and he saw DJ Swizzy Pancho, his ghetto black hispanic drug dealer.

"So?" Pancho asked in his italian cockney jersey accent. Bruce forked over a wad of cash. "Yes, that looks right."

As Pancho handed over the drugs, Bruce's eyes caught a good looking Porsche behind Pancho.

"You like her?" Pancho asked, petting the hood. "She my brand new ride."

"It's beautiful..." Bruce said, completely entranced. He moved towards it.

"No man, you don't touch my car" Pancho said, and tried to restrain him.

Bruce, having inherited Tony's love of nice cars, struggled to get closer. Chaos ensued, as it always does, and Bruce tripped over a penny that Pancho had dropped and slammed into the car, taking out the side view mirror and ripping a door off one of its hinges.

Pancho broke down, sobbing hysterically.

"NOOOOOOO!" Pancho screamed to the uncaring heavens.

"...Sorry?" Bruce whispered.

Pancho stood up from his epic 'no' moment, glaring at Bruce, advancing on him.

Bruce backed up. "He he ...that... happens... some... times...?"

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**What a chapter! Hope you enjoyed!**

**Just to let you know, I will be gone for a few weeks on vacation, and I won't be able to update...**

**Have a great summer and I'll see you in a few weeks!**


	11. Helmet off in Space - Loki

**Hello, I'm writing to you guys from Scotland! I won't be back for a few more days, but I got wifi in this small pub in Inverness and decided to update. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: ...ok, I've been at this for 11 chapters now, does this really need repeating?**

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Loki was travelling through the Realms when he got stuck on an asteroid that happened to contain the last of the Chitauri.

"It's the master!" they said when they saw Loki in his helmet and bowed.

_Interesting_, Loki thought. Since that helmet is super cumbersome and completely unnecessary, he decided to take it off before addressing the Chitauri.

As he did so, the chitauri stood up and shouted.

"Death to the trickster! We hates you we hates you!" they hissed somewhat like gollum would. They grabbed their weapons as Loki put the helmet back on.

Immediately the Chitauri dropped to their knees and bowed. Loki smiled and took the helmet off, watching the Chitauri go feral, then putting it back on again. He did this several times, until the helmet slipped out of his hands, and being in space, it floated out of reach. He looked towards the Chitauri.

"...Damn"

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**A little short.**

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**P.S. I've decided to the epilogue, and it's going to be what happened immediately after the events in the chapter. It may not be as funny, but the demand was out there.**


	12. Clothes Drier as Hiding Place - Steve

**Back from Scotland and England! Enjoyed it a lot; citizens of those countries, you live in a beautiful place.**

**I climbed on the Callinish Stones, canoed on Loch Ness, and saw more freaking castles than I thought possible (they were beautiful none the less)**

**THEY HAVE A FREAKING DOCTOR WHO SHOP IN LONDON! And on that subject, your thoughts on the new doctor? I honestly was hoping for someone a bit younger...**

** Anyways...**

**Yea! New update!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own blah blah blah**

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"1...2...3...4..." Pepper counted as the rest of the Avengers ran to find the best hiding places.

"Why do _I_ have to sit out?" Tony whined.

Pepper took a break from her counting. "Because last time we played hide and seek you used JARVIS and the game was over in minutes."

Tony pouted.

Now Steve, he loved hide and seek. Basically, it was the only game he was good at. He rushed for his usual spot on the 16th floor, but found Natasha there.

"What are you doing?" Steve asked her. "This is my spot!"

"I got here first this time." she said. "Go find another spot, the tower is huge!" Steve was too nice to roll his eyes, so he walked away and went to the gym.

Clint was there.

Bruce was in the utility closet next to the lab, Thor was under the couch in the living room (how he got under there, Steve will never know), and he slammed into something invisible that he thought might have been Loki. Steve sighed and pressed a random button on the elevator, pledging to hide wherever he turned up.

The elevator arrived on the laundry floor.

_Pepper will never look here_. Steve thought. _I'll cover myself in towels...no, too obvious_. Steve settled for the clothes drier, covering himself up in the wet clothes already in there.

Pepper had found all of the others by now, and they were all searching for Steve.

_Meanwhile_...

_I wonder what's taking them so long?_ Steve thought. _Then again, JARVIS is illegal, so.._. Little did Steve know that he'd been there for three hours.

"Just leave him." Tony said, still pissed that he couldn't play. "He'll realize that we're done and come out sooner or later."

"Good, then I can start on the laundry." Pepper said. "JARVIS? What laundry still needs to be done?"

_You have a load in the drier, miss Potts._ JARVIS replied. _Shall I start the load?_

"Yes, JARVIS, that would be great."

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**Once again...would anyone like it if there was an epilogue? So far only a few of you have expressed interest...**

**Dalek says: Review! Review! REVIEW!**


	13. Keep a Snake as a Pet - Natasha

**Another update!**

**BTW, I've decided to do the 'epilogue' of sorts. It will show what happened immediately after the events in the story. It might not be as funny as the story itself, but I tried. **

**Disclaimer: The works**

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_News Bulletin: Deadly rattlesnake escapes from Central Park Zoo. Current location unknown. Children, the elderly, pets...basically everyone should stay inside until it is caught._

Natasha was out on a jog, enjoying the quietness of New York before the real hustle and bustle begins. Deciding she could go a bit farther this time, she turned towards Central Park.

Suddenly, a dark shape slithered across her path, causing her to stop. She bent down to examine the creature. It was a snake. Small, intricately patterned, not to mention somewhat adorable, Natasha couldn't _resist_ picking it up.

"Hello," Natasha cooed, "have you lost your mommy snake? I'll take care of you." And with that strange show of maternal instinct, Natasha wrapped the snake up in her jogging jacket and proceeded to Stark Tower.

Before she could arrive, however, her phone rang, signaling her to arrive at SHIELD HQ.

"Sorry I'm late." She said as she entered the meeting room. "Out for a jog, couldn't change." But it didn't matter. Tony's five o'clock shadow was clearly noticeable and everyone was in their PJ's.

"We've received reports that someone has been trying to hack SHIELD's computers." Coulson, _not_ in his PJ's, explained.

Everyone looked at Tony.

"This time, it's not Tony." Coulson cleared up. Tony adopted a smug 'I told you so' face.

Suddenly, the lights started to flicker.

"Yes, it usually starts with that." Coulson explained. "Followed by a complete cutoff of power and destabilization of the entire floating base."

"_Destabli_-" Bruce was cut off as the base began to shudder.

"You might want to grab on to something." Coulson advised, and the lights flickered out.

"Wait! Where's my jacket?" Natasha shouted. "Randy was in there."

"Please tell me 'Randy' isn't another spider." Clint whined.

"No, he's a snake! I found him outside Central Park." Everyone froze.

"NATASHA! A RATTLESNAKE ESCAPED CENTRAL PARK EARLIER THIS MORNING." Tony shouted as the ship began to rock harder.

"IT'S GONNA KILL US ALL!" Bruce cried.

And just then, like in all animal-related horror films, as soon as one finds out the animal is dangerous, it becomes dangerous, regardless of the previous kindness shown. The snake lept from underneath Natasha's jacket and landed on the floor, looking for its first victim.

"SOMETHING'S CRAWLING UP MY LEG!" Thor shouted.

"JUST DON'T MOVE!" Clint advised. "WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING?"

"THERE'S A FREAKING RATTLESNAKE IN THE ROOM." Tony replied.

Natasha was cowering in a corner, using a chair for defense. Suddenly, as in all horror films, the room got dead silent. Natasha could hear her heart beat and her quiet breath. A shadow moved and she struck at it with the chair. Nothing happened.

Just then, something cold started slithering up her leg...

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**As always, reviews are welcome.**

**Also, I posted a one-shot based on my trip to Scotland. It's called On the Lewis Chessmen. Check it out!**


	14. Sell Kidneys on Internet - Thor

**Hey, did you guys check out my new story, On the Lewis Chessmen? It's nothing major, just a one-shot, but it's a cute take on something I saw while on vacation. Thanks to all the people who have reviewed it so far!**

**Disclaimer: insert favorite disclaimer here**

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"So, Avengers," Coulson said, addressing the group, "basically, Fury is mandating that the Avengers either attend a charity event or raise their own money for charity."

"Done." Tony said, pulling out a checkbook. "Name your price"

"I don't think so Stark." Coulson said, picking up the checkbook and throwing it out. "Go to an event or raise money, not _give it away_." Tony narrowed his eyes, mumbling about the questionable difference in the order.

"So, go on, you have till the end of the month to raise more money than SHIELD can."

"Let's move." Clint said and stood up, his competitiveness kicking in.

Back at the tower, the team met to discuss their money making options.

"We could have a car wash." Steve suggested.

"I'm sure people would pay just to see the Avengers in their bathing suits." Bruce deadpanned.

"I could do that." Tony said and raised an eyebrow.

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Let's work at the shelter. We can take care of the animals there."

Everyone looked at Natasha. "What?" she asked. "I like animals."

"Why don't we just look on the internet" Tony suggested. "Then we can each do our own thing when we find it."

"Divide and conquer...I like it!" Steve shouted.

"Way to ruin it." Tony muttered and got up to go find a computer.

Now Tony had gotten a laptop for Thor, and he immediately rushed to it to find a money raising tactic.

_Let's see...park cleanup...sounds boring..._ This went on for a few hours before Thor arrived in the ghetto side of the internet. An ad popped up.

_Look at this...I can make one thousand dollars just by doing this? My team will thank me!_ Thor clicked on the ad and scheduled an appointment for the next day.

_The next day_

"Where's Thor?" Bruce asked.

"Haven't seen him since yesterday." Clint replied

Suddenly, Thor burst in, carrying a stack of cash.

"Friends, I carry fair news!" Thor shouted.

"What..._fair_...news?" Natasha asked.

"I have earned us two thousand dollars!"

Clint shot up. "How?"

"I sold these things called 'kidneys'! I found an ad on the internet and it said one thousand for one, but when I went this morning, I told them to give me two thousand for both, and they agreed!"

Tony facepalmed. "How long do you think hes gonna last?" he whispered to Bruce.

"If he goes before 3:00, I get his two thousand." Bruce replied. The science bros shook hands.

Nevertheless, Tony won.

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**Thor-bashing wise, I think this was my favorite one to write...or maybe the poke a stick at a grizzly bear...that one was fun as well.**


	15. Eat Superglue - Bruce

**Not too proud of this one, tried and tried to re-write it, but it wasn't what I hoped. This was the lesser of the evils, so ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own TRON: Legacy or...wait, wrong fandom**

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Every so often, Tony will drag Bruce into some major experiment and won't let him go until its done. This was one of those times.

Tony was passed out on the lab bench, snoring with a decibel level to rival Thor's. Bruce had already shaken the haziness of sleep from his head (well, mostly) and was proceeding to drag himself from his current position of being slumped over the swivel chair.

Deciding first he needed something to eat, he staggered over to the fridge Tony keeps in the lab, a result of Pepper having to constantly drag him out of the lab and into the kitchen for some food.

Bruce blindly reached into the fridge and grabbed the first thing he touched.

_Is this almond paste?_ Bruce thought as he felt the object, a long tube. _Thank god, I love almond paste_. Bruce pulled the tube out and twisted off the cap.

As soon as he swallowed it, he knew for a fact that it was _not_ almond paste.

* * *

**In case you don't know what almond paste is, it is one of the best tasting almond related thing in the world. It comes in a can or a tube and is like solid puree of almond. Now I'm hungry...**


	16. What's This Button Do - Tony

**So did anyone see the new Thor 2 trailer?**

**Disclaimer: Have you ever ****_really_**** wanted to watch the next episode of a TV series you're in, but had to do something else that you ****_know_**** is more important but don't care? Then you have****_ nothing_**** to do with this disclaimer.**

* * *

It wasn't Tony's fault that SHIELD didn't have conveniently located bathrooms. Coulson _did_ say they were just down the hall, but that was like an Australian from the bush saying the ocean is just down the road.

Ok, _maybe_ Tony was curious, and _maybe possibly_ he purposely took a wrong turn to see where it led him. He arrived in a small, fortified room that was all black except for a control panel with a glass-enclosed red button.

Because he was Tony Stark, he couldn't resist, and whipped out his phone to get JARVIS to break him in.

_Job complete, sir._ JARVIS chirped from Tony's phone. The glass slowly and dramatically opened, and the button slowly and dramatically rose from the control panel.

Tony approached it and put his hand over it. Then, he did something he thought he'd never do: he hesitated.

_What if I start WWIII?_ He thought suddenly. _Then I'd have to work full time to defend against zombies and aliens and the French and god knows what else. I don't even have time enough as it _is_ to do what I want while I'm serving with the other Avengers...Oh well, as the acronym goes: You Obviously Lack Originality!_ And Tony slammed his hand down on the button.

* * *

**The epilogue for this chapter is probably one of the funniest.**


	17. Dress Up Like Moose - Tony Clint Loki

**On the final stretch here guys, only a few chapters left.**

**I dedicate this chapter to the Finding Bigfoot team: Cliff, Matt, Ranae, and Bobo. I also dedicate this chapter to my favorite ****_The Newsroom_**** character, Neal Sampat (If you've seen _The Newsroom_ you'll get the reference and the dedication).**

**Disclaimer: *sighs* I wish I could get one of the Finding Bigfoot cast to do my disclaimer...**

* * *

The team was out camping (as if they didn't learn from their previous escapade) in the mountain forests, at the behest of Tony and Clint.

"This is _prime_ squatch habitat!" Clint said, waving his arms around.

"I brought all the necessary equipment." Tony said. "I got the thermal cameras, trail cameras, motion sensors, bait, a cricket bat for wood-knocks, gorilla and whale recordings-"

"Ok we get it." Natasha said, rubbing her forehead. Boys and their toys.

"What is a 'Squatch?" Steve asked.

"It's a legend." Bruce summed up.

Clint mock-gasped. "It's more than a legend! Bigfoot. Is. Real! There's evidence everywhere, and those guys on that TV show...that stuff is legit."

"I have heard this legend before." Loki said, nodding. "A tall, hairy ape wanders alone in the woods, feasting on roots, deer...and the occasional stray camper."

Steve's eyes widened. "New rule: _never_ let Loki tell a campfire story."

Thor looked confused. "But Loki is one of the best storytellers out there. My favorite story he tells is the one with the headless monks that eat the entrails of-"

"STOP PLEASE! YOU'RE RUINING MY VIRGIN EARS!" Steve shouted and rushed off somewhere.

"I'm actually quite interested, if you wouldn't mind continuing." Natasha said nonchalantly.

"Maybe later," Tony replied, "but first I have a question: Loki, do you want to go Squatching with us?"

Loki shrugged. "I don't see why not. It will give me something to do."

"Wonderful!" Clint said, and he and Tony high-fived. "Let's go set up the cameras. They ran off.

After the sun had set, Tony, Clint, and Loki set off to search for Sasquatch, leaving a terrified Steve alone in the tent.

"Let's check trail cam one." Tony whispered, and they headed East. Nothing had tripped it yet.

"Number two is next." Clint said, and they went left. Still nothing.

"I'm gonna do a knock." Tony said, and got out his cricket bat, whacking it forcefully against a nearby tree.

For a second there was nothing, then a response.

Tony and Clint lit up like a christmas tree in swirling death mode.

"It was in that direction!" Clint whispered, and dragged Loki behind him as he and Tony went to check it out.

"I'm getting something on the therm." Tony said. "It's big, bigger than a deer."

"Moose are in this area." Loki said. Sure enough, they came across a group of moose.

"We'll hang out here. Squatches hunt at night, and who can't resist a herd of moose?" Clint suggested.

"We're here, but the object is still there." Tony said. "It wasn't the moose we were seeing."

There was a rustling.

Clint turned to Loki. "Turn us into moose so we blend in."

Loki looked at Clint strangely, but obliged to his request.

"Look natural." Moose-Tony mouthed, and bent down like he was foraging. Moose-Loki and Moose-Clint rolled their eyes (if that was possible) and also bent their heads.

The rustling got closer, and suddenly, a whoop was heard.

"They're here!" Moose-Clint said excitedly. They looked up to see a Sasquatch approaching the herd.

Tony, Clint, and Loki were at a loss for words. None of them actually expected to find a Squatch. But here one was, right there...

...heading for the three of them.

"...Clint." Moose-Tony said.

"...Yeah?" Moose-Clint responded, not taking his eyes off the approaching Squatch.

"You said Squatches hunt at night, yes?"

"I did."

"How fast can Squatches run?"

"...Probably faster than a human."

"How about a moose?"

* * *

**Ok, hands down, this was probably one of my favorite ones to write. That and the Pirannha one.**


	18. Disturb Wasps - Thor

**Don't you just hate bees? I got stung for the first time by a wasp about a month ago and it hurt like Hel. I had locked my bike against a metal pole, but aparantly the pole was hollow and a wasp was inside, so it flew out and stung me! Damn wasp.**

**Also, we have 90 reviews. If we could get all the way to 100...**

**And I know the actual lyrics say "disturb a nest of wasps for no good reason", but Thor has a reason to in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I should be doing my summer reading now, but I don't want to read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Things They Carried, or The Glass Castle...god those books are so bad**

* * *

Natasha groaned as she brought the fly swatter down on the table, squishing yet another wasp.

"Tony, I can't enjoy my summer with a wasp's nest hovering right above my head." Natasha called into the tower. She was currently lounging on Stark Tower's balcony, haphazardly converted into a pseudo beach perfect for lounging on during the hottest day of the summer. However, the Avengers weren't the only ones who thought that it was the perfect place to be.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Can't you just knock it off yourself?" He asked.

"Nope. I'm allergic to wasps." Tony's eyes widened at the news, but he didn't say anything. "Besides, I'm...not tall enough to reach." She would never admit she was short..._never_.

"Hey Steve-"

"Nope, sorry. I wouldn't be able to reach either." Steve said, though possibly out of self preservation.

Thor chose this moment to walk into the living room connected to the open balcony.

"Hey, Hammer Time! Could you do Natasha a favor?" Tony asked. "I think you're tall enough."

"What deed requires my assistance?" Thor questioned.

"I need you to knock down a wasp's nest that's out here." Natasha explained.

"Take this." Bruce said, handing Thor a bat.

Tony looked at him funny. "What? I carry a bat now. Bats are cool," Bruce shrugged.

Thor walked out on the balcony.

"It's right there." Natasha said, pointing out the nest, then slowly walking away to the safety of the room, shutting the door behind her.

Thor narrowed his eyes, then swung the bat at the nest. The nest broke free of the wall and landed on the balcony in front of Thor.

"Lady Natasha! I did it! Now what-" Thor was cut of by increasing buzzing noise and a large shadow that suddenly covered him.

* * *

**Bum bum bum buuuuuuum**

**Can of Raid, anyone?**


	19. Stand on Edge of Platform - Natasha

**Hello again! Another fabulous update! Maybe deserving of some reviews...?**

**Incase you're reading this and thinking, 'wow, this sounds familliar', I ripped this idea straight from an episode of Elementary. I don't remember the episode number, but it's the one where the lady with the flowers is thrown in front of a train to mimic a murder that took place 6 months ago (I think...)**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Me no own DWtD, the Avengers, or Elementary**

* * *

_Click click click_, went Natasha's shoes as she rushed to get aboard this train.

_Come on, it's not even full!_ Natasha thought as she arrived at the platform...

...just as the doors closed.

Natasha exhaled loudly and loitered around by a support column for the next train.

_The security cameras of that platform would then show a man, tall, thin, probably mid- late twenties approach Natasha, carrying a bouquet of flowers..._

"Creep, I don't want your flowers." Natasha said, shoving them towards him.

"No, please, they were for my girlfriend, and she broke up with me. Why waste 20 bucks?"

_It would then show the man giving Natasha the bouquet, and Natasha accepting them._

_The train schedule, which was visible in the camera's view, would show that the next train was due to arrive._

Natasha glanced at the train schedule; the next train should be arriving soon. Good.

_It would show Natasha approaching the edge of the platform_

_I'm_ going _to make this train,_ Natasha thought as she made her way closer to the edge of the platform.

_The camera would also show the man from before, casually approaching Natasha, before reaching out..._

Natasha could see the headlights of the train when she felt the hand on her shoulder...

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**Only a few left! Review while you still can!**


	20. Drive Around Boom Gates - Bruce

**Another happy Bruce-bashing. Enjoy!**

**Yea! We got over 100 reviews!**

**Disclaimer: ...*sighs*...school starts up soon...**

* * *

Bruce sighed and placed his forehead on the steering wheel. This was the third time this week he was stuck in traffic, and it wasn't doing well for his stress relief classes, which, ironically, he was returning from.

"Just..breathe.." Bruce whispered to himself. He stared at the line of cars in front of him. Squinting, he could make out an accident about fifty yards ahead of him.

This was gonna take a while.

After an hour and a half of stop and go traffic, he cleared the scene and continued on his way. Up ahead, he could see the flashing lights of a railroad crossing, indicating a train was coming through.

The car ahead of his sped across the tracks, but Bruce was stuck behind the gates.

"OH COME ON!" He shouted, and hit the steering wheel so hard the airbag deployed.

Bruce looked both ways. There was no whistle, no tell-tale signs of a train. There was a blind curve to his right, but he didn't see headlights, so he figured no train was coming. Bruce adopted a smug look and proceeded to drive around the boom gate.

Must have malfunctioned. Bruce thought as he cleared them. Now the only thing in his way was the train tracks. He floored it.

The one thing Bruce didn't think about was this: It was mid-day, you couldn't have seen the headlights on a train if you tried.

* * *

**I hate driving where there's railroad crossings. I'm afraid the signal won't work and I'll get ploughed over or my car will explode like in Super 8 .**


	21. Run Across Tracks - Steve

**Sweet mother of Sleipnir! This is the last chapter before the epilogue! We've come a long way, 21 chapters! That's the longest fic I've ever written. I have you guys, all those who followed, favorited, and reviewed, to thank for all the support along the way. I was hesitant to enter such a popular fandom, but look at this story now. Steve getting his private parts shredded by the Vashta Nerada to Thor nocking down that hornet's nest on the balcony of Stark Tower. According to the amount of reviews, you seem to like the idea of Clint trying to fly or Loki losing his helmet in space. **

**Disclaimer: It's the penultimate chapter, need I say more?**

* * *

Steve loved the subway. He would stand there and listen to the random people play music, and watch all the people go by.

This time, however, he was commuting from central park back to Stark Tower, and had to pay attention to the trains.

He was standing on a relatively empty platform when a small girl and her mother joined him. In the little girl's hand was a big stuffed animal from the zoo. He was about to go up and ask to pet it, it was very fluffy and Steve _loved_ fluffy stuffed animals, when a couple of older boys came running down the stairs to the platform, knocking into the girl and dislodging the toy from her grasp. She cried as the toy tumbled over the edge of the platform.

"No!" the girl shouted and started to cry.

Steve, being the sickeningly good samaritan that he is, approached the girl.

"Never fear!" he said, putting his fists on his hips. "I shall save your fluffy stuffed animal!" Steve approached the side of the platform and lowered himself down.

The toy was on the other side, near the platform opposite to theirs. He carefully stepped over the third rail and approached the toy.

"Momma, when's the train supposed to come?" The little girl asked.

A horn echoed towards them.

"Now, honey."

* * *

**And that's it! Last time anyone "dies" in this story. And now for the epilogue!**

**Regarding the epilogue, it will be one chapter only, I'm not posting 21 more chapters that are only a sentence or two long. See you guys for the last time tomorrow. **

**BTW: I have absolutely ****_no_**** idea for another fanfic, so if you guys had any prompts or anything, or just want to see more Avenger bashing, PM me with the details**


	22. Epilogue

**Wow guys...*sniffles*...this is it. Dumb Ways to Die is officially done. I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have. This is my first multi-chapter fic in one of the biggest fandoms out there. I was totally scared to start, but thanks to your reviews, I was confident enough to finish. We have 114 reviews, 29 favorites, and 39 followers. Thank you, thank you, thank you.**

**Thank you to the following people who reviewed most often:**

**ICEAGEISEPIC (Guest)**

**KittyEspeon**

**MysteryGal5**

**Kimbee**

**Aralas Baggins**

**serialkiller13**

**Evil kittystar**

**LokilovesNutella**

**The Pheonix Alchemist**

**Thank you guys for your continuous support of this fanfiction, and good luck in your future fanfiction endeavours. **

**For the last time, ENJOY!**

**Author Notes are in bold; bold and underline is the chapter titles**

**Disclaimer: *see previous chapters* **

* * *

**Fire to Hair - Loki:**

Tony coughed and pushed the exit button on the door. He, Bruce, and Loki tumbled out into the hallway gasping for breath.

Bruce looked at Loki, "How did you survive? That thing blew in your face!"

Loki brushed his singed hair out of his face. "I'm immortal." He deadpanned.

**Stick at Bear - Thor:**

Thor caught the paw of the grizzly bear in his hands and flipped the bear onto its back like Izumi Curtis.

"That will teach you to mess with the GOD OF THUNDER!" Thor shouted the last part.

**Bad Medicine - Natasha:**

Natasha sighed and put down the pill bottle. Bruce and Tony should know better than to recycle used pharmaceutical containers...which led her to question whether it was _really_ ibuprofen she just took?

**Private Parts as Bait - Steve:**

The Vashta Nerada had just finished shredding through Steve's clothes when Loki shot a fireball at them, causing their shadow to dissipate and slink away.

"Thanks man." Steve said. "But does anyone have an extra pair of pants?"

**Toast with Fork - Thor:**

Thor put the fork into the toaster to retrieve the pop tarts. The toaster was getting ready to shock him, when Thor held up his finger.

"Bad toaster." He said, and the toaster held back the shock. Thor smiled smugly. He enjoyed being able to control lightning.

**...Which is absolutely strange because he's the god of thunder...**

**Electrical Work - Tony:**

It turns out, nothing happened. Tony blew a fuse.

**Teach to Fly - Clint:**

After only a week, Clint wanted to start out small. He didn't want to blow his career before it even began. He stood on the veranda above the garage, only about 8 feet up from the ground. Needless to say, he didn't fly.

**Eat Pie - Tony:**

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Tony said as he lay on the ground.

"Kidding who?" Bruce asked, and noticed the empty box on the countertop. "WHO ATE ALL MY PASTRIES? I JUST FREAKING GOT THOSE THIS MORNING!" Tony stood up, feeling suddenly invigorated, and ran out of the room, Bruce hot on his heels.

Pepper looked confused, and then noticed the other white box tucked in the corner of one of the countertops. She walked over to it and opened it up. This was _definitely_ the un-refrigerated one.

**Psycho Killer - Clint:**

Natasha got out of her car, only to see someone who was dressed in her same costume standing on Clint's front porch. Rolling her eyes, she approached the scene.

"Clint, what's going on?" Natasha asked. Both Clint and the look-alike turned.

"..._Natasha_?" Clint asked tentatively.

"Of course it's me." Natasha replied.

"Well then, who's this?"

Prisoner Zero took out his machete, but before anything happened, Natasha Vulcan death-pinched him and he collapsed to the floor.

Clint's jaw dropped.

"Close your mouth dear, or you'll catch flies." Natasha smirked and sauntered into Clint's house like a BAMF.

**Scratch Ride - Bruce:**

"DUDE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!" Bruce shouted and fled the scene.

"Ok, that was funny the first time," Pancho admitted, "but...oh what the heck, it still works."

**Helmet Off in Space - Loki**

**This may not be continuous with the movie (unless there was some atmospheric bubble surrounding them), but Loki had to survive somehow**

The Chitauri approached Loki, but suddenly stopped, convulsed, and died. It turns out that Loki was hovering just outside the atmosphere of the asteroid, and Chitauri can't survive in space.

**Drier to Hide - Steve:**

Despite the pain he was in from the 'super sonic spin cycle', Steve got out of the drier, warmer, fluffier, and pissed.

"Tony, I'm gonna-"

"HE'S SO FLUFFY!" Pepper and Natasha shouted, and jumped Steve, cuddling him like a stuffed animal while Tony made his getaway.

**Snake as Pet - Natasha:**

**Before you read this, I need to tell you a joke:**

**Descartes (pronounced day-cart) walks into a bar and the bartender asks,**

**"Do you want a beer?"**

**"I think not!" Descartes says and disappears.**

**It's explained in the story, if you need more clarification, look up Descartes**

The lights continued to flicker, exposing the snake on Natasha's leg.

"Nice snakey." Natasha said. "_Good_ rattlesnake." The snake wasn't buying it.

"Hey snake!" Bruce shouted. The snake turned around. "Do you want a beer?"

"I think not!" The snake said indignantly, and suddenly disappeared.

"Wait, what just happened?" Clint asked.

"Descartes." Bruce said proudly.

Blank stares.

"Your Descartes was the one who said, 'I think, therefore I am', correct?" Loki explained. "So shouldn't the _opposite_ be true as well?"

**Sell Kidneys - Thor:**

Tony won the bet because Thor's immortal, he didn't die. Bruce just sulked because he was cheated out $2,000.

**Eat Superglue - Bruce:**

**Wow, I just slam Australians in this fic...sorry Aussies. One of my best friends lived in Australia for a while, and I'm going there for two weeks next summer, don't get me wrong, I love your country.**

Bruce attempted to rub the taste out of his mouth and pulled the tube from the fridge.

"Vegemite?" Bruce shouted. "Why the hell would Tony keep _Vegemite_?"

**Vegemite is common in Australia, and when I had it, it didn't taste too good (maybe it was out of date or something...or superglue)**

**Red Button - Tony:**

**Contrary to the last a/n, I hate One Direction and am not ashamed to bash the Hel out of them.**

Tony pushed the button, and suddenly One Direction started playing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tony shouted and fled the room. He ran into Agent Coulson. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

"That's for if an enemy is invading." Coulson explained. "We just play One Direction and they cry for their mommies."

"WELL I CAN TELL YOU, IT WORKS!" Tony said and ran away crying.

**Dress like Moose - Tony, Clint, Loki:**

The Squatch approached them, and the three screamed.

Thor, who had left the tent to...well...heard the screams and came running.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF-" He was cut off when he saw the Squatch.

The Squatch stopped his advance (yes, this particular Squatch was male), screamed when he saw the large, buff, bed-headed monstrosity that is Thor, and took off running in the opposite direction.

**Disturb Wasps - Thor:**

The wasps flooded out of the nest, amassing around Thor. Suddenly, the balcony door was thrown open by Clint, who had a super-sized can of Raid in his hands. Clint sprayed the heck out of those wasps, causing them to fall out of the sky like flies...or _wasps_. Thor was passed out too, but that was from the excessive amount of aerosol sprayed at him.

"You guys should have called me first." Clint said.

**Edge of Platform - Natasha:**

Natasha felt the hand on her shoulder and turned her head. The guy who'd given her the flowers was there, and about to push her in front of the train.

Her ninja assassin skills kicking in, she broke the guy's arm that held her and brought her knee up to his crotch. He doubled over. For good measure, Natasha flipped him against the train that had just arrived.

**Drive Around Gates - Bruce:**

Despite Bruce's lapse in logic, the crossing light was malfunctioning, there is no train...

**Run Across Tracks - Steve:**

We _did_ establish that there was another platform opposite to the one Steve was standing on. Just before the train entered the station, Steve jumped onto the other platform and threw the toy across the tracks.

"I'M AWESOOOOOOOOME" The toy shouted like a badass as it just missed the front of the train and landed in the girl's arms.

* * *

**Good bye guys! Hopefully this isn't the last time I see you. If you guys have any prompts for me or would like to see something else done, PM me with the details and I'll see what I can do. Before I sign off, I have a message from the Avengers for you guys:**

**The Avengers: "STAY SAFE AROUND TRAINS!"**


End file.
